We met with a client today and discussed what training programs she was interested in for her team. Her main issue was helping new managers learn how to have difficult conversations at work. They find themselves avoiding the situation, thinking it will go away. Spoiler alert: it does not.
We hear this a lot from clients. New managers are avoiding difficult conversations with members of their team. Avoiding workplace conflict resolution only hurts everyone involved. Usually, emotions are running high, and managers are afraid the employee may become too emotional—and frankly, that prospect is upsetting to them. However, when you avoid addressing issues with someone, several predictable things happen:
The Ripple Effects of Avoidance
Trust erodes. The team sees that a problem needs to be addressed with the employee, and when you don’t address it, trust issues emerge. Team members begin to question whether you can handle the tough parts of leadership. Your credibility as a manager takes a hit every day the issue remains unresolved.
The conflict escalates. What could have been handled quickly with a direct conversation now escalates into a bigger problem with potentially larger consequences. Small performance issues become formal disciplinary actions. Minor misunderstandings become team divisions. The longer you wait, the messier it gets.
Morale plummets. The team’s overall morale suffers when issues aren’t addressed. People become disengaged when they see problems festering without intervention. They start to wonder if standards matter at all, and high performers may begin to question why they’re putting in extra effort.
Productivity drops. Low morale inevitably leads to decreased productivity in the workplace. When people lose motivation and trust in leadership, they have little incentive to work effectively. The entire team’s performance suffers because one difficult conversation was avoided.
The Path Forward
The good news? This is a learnable skill. We’ve found that Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes Are High is an excellent resource that gives managers(well, everyone) practical tools for having hard conversations with employees. Everyone can benefit from the outcome.
Here are some key strategies from the book that can transform how you approach these conversations:
Start with Heart
Before entering any difficult conversation, get clear on what you really want—for yourself, the other person, and the relationship. Ask yourself: “What do I want to accomplish here?” This helps you approach the conversation with the right intentions rather than just venting frustration.
Learn to Look for Safety
Watch for signs that the other person feels unsafe in the conversation—they might go silent, become defensive, or get aggressive. When safety is lost, people can’t hear your message. Create safety by showing respect and finding mutual purpose before diving into the difficult topic.
Master Your Stories
We often create stories in our heads about why someone is behaving a certain way, and these stories fuel our emotions. Before the conversation, separate facts from the stories you’re telling yourself. Stick to observable behaviors rather than assumptions about motives.
STATE Your Path
When sharing your concerns, use this framework:
- Share your facts (observable behaviors)
- Tell your story (your interpretation, presented humbly)
- Ask for others’ paths (invite their perspective)
- Talk tentatively (use phrases like “I’m beginning to wonder if…”)
- Encourage testing (make it safe for them to disagree)
Explore Others’ Paths
Listen actively to understand their perspective. Ask questions like “Help me understand…” or “What am I missing here?” Often, the real issue isn’t what you initially thought it was.
The most successful managers we work with have learned that difficult conversations aren’t actually difficult—they’re just important. And important conversations, handled skillfully, strengthen relationships rather than damage them.
The question isn’t whether you’ll need to have these conversations. The question is whether you’ll have them early when they’re manageable, or later when they’ve become much more complicated.
Check out our free download with starters and tips for having difficult conversations.
Ready to help your managers build this critical skill? Contact us to learn about our workshop on navigating crucial conversations with confidence and care.
Written by: Beth Pittman, Co-founder and Coach at Skills Lab Training
